spiritoftherabbit's Blog

Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're looking for your skin
That you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out
Love is looking for you now

Maybe you've been burning
But you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty
But the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry
So you're running from the water
And the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some level ground
Love is looking for you now
Love is looking for you now

Maybe you been wearing
The shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth
Love is looking for you
Love is looking for you

I've been looking for you
Baby I've been lookin...
I've been looking for you

r You

On a diet because though I have recently lost about 5 pounds, it has been brought to my attention that I need to lose a LOT more than that to even look halfway decent. No more than 600-800 calories a day until I've lost what I want.
Already messed up and went over. Today I had 936 calories. >.<
The roommate bought fast food and asked me if I wanted anything, and my answer was of course NO. I hate fast food anyway, but even if it would have been something healthy like Subway, I still would have declined. My willpower is the bessstt! Better luck tomorrow.

It's cozy and smells great in my little apartment, but I just can't feel good. I'm bundled up but I'm chilly. I'm waiting for my tea kettle to whistle. My rabbit sleeps peacefully beside my feet (at least someone can sleep). I'm never bored, but right now I wish I had something new to do.

Honestly, I miss having friends. Hell, I'd even invite my family over right now if I knew it wouldn't end up being a disaster. Lonely I guess is the word for how I feel. lol

I don't have much of a life anymore, and to be honest, that's fine with me. I've had enough drama, chaos, and danger in my past to last the remainder of my life. Now I'm placid, content to sit with my rabbit and my tea and browse questions on EP or read a little from one of the classics.

Still, it'd be nice to have people to share with on occasion.

Tonight my roommate and I wanted to go out for dinner, but we both wanted different kinds of food. Our final decision was a buffet-style restaurant, where you can get anything from world cuisine to salad to home-cooked to seafood to dessert, all in one place. I was shocked and a little saddened to look around and see that EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the restaurant was overweight or obese- sadly, even the children. There was not one person of "average" weight in the place except for some of the waitresses.

Now I am a big girl myself, so I don't judge someone for their size. You never know the reason why someone is overweight, and I hate when people make assumptions. However, these obese patrons were piling their plates so high that they were having trouble keeping the food from toppling off of the platter! And they would finish that plate up and go back for seconds and thirds!! Their food choices were heavily fried, sweetened, and covered in cheese, as well. It almost made me lose my appetite.

I looked down at my own plate- a few pieces of shrimp, some broccoli, corn, and baby carrots and potatoes, all reasonably proportioned- and felt a strange set of emotions. A surge of pride for my (better) food choices, but also a pang of nausea and grief, thinking about the health of the nation and how we as a people take food for granted and use it to abuse our bodies. It's really a shame.

Now these are all just my own thoughts and feelings, so if anyone is offended by my viewpoints, I do sympathize. However, since EP is all about being yourself and expressing, I feel that if my blog is offensive, you can easily stop reading it and please don't leave nasty comments. Thanks!!

I ran 3 miles today and did lots of crunches and yoga, but I just ate pizza rolls. lol

Normally this would bring me down and make me feel like a worthless failure who can't do anything right. But you know what? I'm not beating myself up over it. I eat VERY healthy normally, and this ONE day of pizza rolls is not going to be the end of the world. I'm ok, and tomorrow I can run an extra mile if I want.

Life is far too short to let small failures dampen your spirits. Thank God I realize that now!

I think I'm sick of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I'm just gonna be who I am, and embrace my imperfections, and to hell with anyone who doesn't approve. I can't live like this anymore and continuously walk on egg shells to please people who never give me SHIT in return.

I am who I am. Either accept and embrace it, or don't. Your call.

Today I met the old man I will be watching from time to time when my mother (his regular caretaker) can't watch him. He is a soft-spoken, gentle man with a strong-natured Irish wife and a faithful dog named Petunia. He and his wife have such a beautiful home, filled with books and art they have collected from their travels over the years. They have two college-age daughters who live out-of-state. This gentleman, his dog, my mother, and I sat around a cozy fire and chatted about travels and places we have loved. It's been a long time since I met anyone new, and even longer since I met such a gentle spirit. It gave me hope that maybe someday I can rejoin society and socialize like a normal human being, instead of being always afraid.

I was in good spirits because of it, and even my mother was in a good mood. I like seeing her when she is working, because I feel like I am seeing the best part of her then- when she is nurturing someone who is defenseless and confused. She acts like a real mother... something she never did with me.

I don't want to spend this blog writing about my issues with my mother, I'd like to keep it positive, so I'll stop there. But isn't it wonderful to know that there are still human connections in the world? That, even though we all have internet and cell phones and cable, we can still sit around a fire and entertain one another only with our company?

Today was a good day.

I wish I could love my body. I'm fat. Have an ugly shape. All I see are flaws. How do people learn to love themselves even when they hate what they see in the mirror?? How do you re-train your brain to see beauty that isn't there? I keep hearing "fake it til it's real" but I just can't look into the mirror and say that what I see is beautiful when it isn't.

>_<

Does anyone else find it somewhat erotic?

I screwed up so badly.

I am paranoid and insecure, and I was hurtful to him. I don't know what's worng with me, and why I am so fucking unstable. I'm just going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut.

I can't do this anymore. I can't live this way. Something has to change. I'll do anything.
Every day I fall deeper into the depression, and there is no one to pull me out this time.

I don't even understand myself. How can I loathe being around people, yet be so lonely???

It's one of those comfy nights tonight- curled up watching 'Clean House', writing stories on EP, and smelling yummy because I'm freshly showered and wearing my Victoria's Secret Pink Soft and Pure body spray.
Despite having a rough emotional rollercoaster of a day, I'm calmed and feeling a lot better now. (Hearing from a certain someone definitely helped with that!)

Now all I need is for my craving for a Butterfinger to be satisfied. lmao

I just ate a delicious whole wheat wrap filled with lettuce, tomato, hickory-smoked tofurkey, alfalfa sprouts, shredded cheese, ranch dressing, and guacamole.

Holy crap.

It was amazing.

And I had to share. lol 

I adore it when my rabbits get excited and run really fast in circles around my living room, then they're all tuckered out so they sprawl on the carpet, letting their little white furry bellies show!! So cute!!

It's one of my favorite movies ever, but I must admit, it disturbs me. It contains everything that disgusts me- animal cruelty, senseless violence, and that helplessness that comes with not being able to change your past.

I've come to realize that the most healthy choice for me is to surround myself with only the things that make me happy and hopeful. I used to believe that in order to keep my compassion for and awareness of the travesties of the world, I had to expose myself to them. Now I realize that that's only hurting me and my development. I am well aware of the cruelty and sadness in the world. Too aware. Any further exposure would cripple me further, I think.

This is such a great movie though.