Well, I'm popping back in after a very long time, to see what's new here and pray that too much hasn't changed since last I visited. Enough time has passed that I can treat EP like a whole new site and just accept the changes, rather than bitch and moan about how they took a good thing and tried to make it better but just ended upmaking it worse.
Anyway, since I was gone, lots of health issues have entered my life. I have fibromyalgia of course, with PCOS, endometriosis, Chronic Fatigue, anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, migraines, and most recently discovered, a stomach ulcer. Just got out of the hospital for that. I'm in psychiatric care now, and therapy. The therapy is dragging on a little too long for my taste. It feels like literally nothing is changing. I love my therapist but loathe my psychiatrist. He's a smug bastard who doesn't take me seriously when I tell him the symptoms I feel from the meds he has me on (which I recently weaned myself off of). So fuck him.
Basically I am living my life in a rut. I wake up, I shower, I eat very little (thanks, stomach ulcer), and pass my time by sleeping, watching tv, reading, or writing. I used to try to get out and go for walks daily, but the worsening fatigue and pain I feel as of late has put an end to that. I stretch and do light yoga when I feel my muscles have started to become too stiff.
Everyone has advice.
"Get more sleep!"
"Massage is the answer!" (ok, twist my arm)
"Swimming! Try swimming!"
"Eat more meat!"
"Lose weight, get more exercise."
"Cut out food chemicals."
"Move out of your damp apartment!"
Thanks everyone. NOW PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP GIVING ME ADVICE. I've tried nearly all the suggestions I have received, and the ones I haven't tried, it's because I have no way to (swim, move out). I understand these people want to help. But really, they're just making me very annoyed. Stop trying to fix me, just sit there and listen to me talk about what's wrong with me. If you can't do that, you're not a good friend. End rant.
Anyway, there's my update.
So fall is coming, which means cooler, drier weather. Which, for me at least, means more time spent outdoors! I'm ready for long walks on crisp sunny days! I no longer have a dog to walk with (she was placed in a great home!), but I'm going to try to maintain a regular walking schedule all the same.
I'm starting to warm my body up and get ready for the walks. I've been doing some light yoga for the past couple of days to prepare for the muscle use. With fibromyalgia, every little movement hurts very badly, so the sooner I get my body use to moving, the better. I'm starting slow with only a few yoga poses a day, held for only a minute or two. As long as I can stand it, really. Which usually isn't long.
I'm doing what I can. I can't wait for cooler weather!
I am so sick of this!!!
I hurt everywhere, I can't even turn my head because it hurts. My lower back is like someone beat me with a ba
Today is definitely a fibromyalgia flare day. I can't seem to get energized, I didn't sleep well last night because everything hurt, and though I took a nap today, I still feel completely useless. My eyes feel swollen, my elbows and ankles are throbbing with pain, and I just feel terrible. I want to stay in bed and sleep until I feel better, but the hard truth is that I will never feel better, no matter how much sleep I get.
I feel like my life has been stolen from me. I can't do any of the things I love anymore- I'm too tired or too in pain, or too stressed. Nothing is comfortable anymore, I am always moving, always restless, because sitting hurts, standing hurts, walking hurts, and even lying down hurts! I'm just so tired of this.
I have an apartment to clean, a stack of dishes to do, and I need to prepare and cook the produce in my fridge before it goes bad, but I don't have the energy to any of it.
What happens when you're a naturally dependent person, but you've been hurt so many times you're terrified of letting someone else in?
When I say dependent, I don't mean I'm an overgrown child who needs someone to hold my hand all the time. For years I supported myself, lived in my car, lived alone in my own apartment, held two jobs, etc. I am fully capable of making it on my own. But I don't want to be alone. I bloom when I am in good company. I love to be with someone who loves to be with me. I become softer, more vulnerable, more sweet. Happier.
But I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Seems like every time I let someone in, I get hurt. They either decide they don't want me after all, or they want me and several others. I can't seem to find anyone who wants the same things I want, gets my humor, speaks to my soul, sings to my heart. I feel like I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life, and so I'm doing my best to make peace with that, but my heart cries out and resists- it doesn't want to be alone! It longs for someone to share life with.
Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words
Maybe you're just faded a little gray from every time that you've been hurt
So you're looking for your skin
That you never did fit in
You can't hide when you're turned inside out
Love is looking for you now
Maybe you've been burning
But you can't blow out a flame that you can't find
Maybe you've been thirsty
But the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry
So you're running from the water
And the fire's getting hotter
I think you better find some level ground
Love is looking for you now
Love is looking for you now
Maybe you been wearing
The shoes that someone else is wearing now
Maybe you've been swearing forever might have already run out
You can't love yourself at the expense of someone else
You can't hide a liar from the truth
Love is looking for you
Love is looking for you
I've been looking for you
Baby I've been lookin...
I've been looking for you
On a diet because though I have recently lost about 5 pounds, it has been brought to my attention that I need to lose a LOT more than that to even look halfway decent. No more than 600-800 calories a day until I've lost what I want.
Already messed up and went over. Today I had 936 calories. >.<
The roommate bought fast food and asked me if I wanted anything, and my answer was of course NO. I hate fast food anyway, but even if it would have been something healthy like Subway, I still would have declined. My willpower is the bessstt! Better luck tomorrow.
It's cozy and smells great in my little apartment, but I just can't feel good. I'm bundled up but I'm chilly. I'm waiting for my tea kettle to whistle. My rabbit sleeps peacefully beside my feet (at least someone can sleep). I'm never bored, but right now I wish I had something new to do.
Honestly, I miss having friends. Hell, I'd even invite my family over right now if I knew it wouldn't end up being a disaster. Lonely I guess is the word for how I feel. lol
I don't have much of a life anymore, and to be honest, that's fine with me. I've had enough drama, chaos, and danger in my past to last the remainder of my life. Now I'm placid, content to sit with my rabbit and my tea and browse questions on EP or read a little from one of the classics.
Still, it'd be nice to have people to share with on occasion.
I think I'm sick of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I'm just gonna be who I am, and embrace my imperfections, and to hell with anyone who doesn't approve. I can't live like this anymore and continuously walk on egg shells to please people who never give me SHIT in return.
I am who I am. Either accept and embrace it, or don't. Your call.
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Today I met the old man I will be watching from time to time when my mother (his regular caretaker) can't watch him. He is a soft-spoken, gentle man with a strong-natured Irish wife and a faithful dog named Petunia. He and his wife have such a beautiful home, filled with books and art they have collected from their travels over the years. They have two college-age daughters who live out-of-state. This gentleman, his dog, my mother, and I sat around a cozy fire and chatted about travels and places we have loved. It's been a long time since I met anyone new, and even longer since I met such a gentle spirit. It gave me hope that maybe someday I can rejoin society and socialize like a normal human being, instead of being always afraid.
I was in good spirits because of it, and even my mother was in a good mood. I like seeing her when she is working, because I feel like I am seeing the best part of her then- when she is nurturing someone who is defenseless and confused. She acts like a real mother... something she never did with me.
I don't want to spend this blog writing about my issues with my mother, I'd like to keep it positive, so I'll stop there. But isn't it wonderful to know that there are still human connections in the world? That, even though we all have internet and cell phones and cable, we can still sit around a fire and entertain one another only with our company?
Today was a good day.
I wish I could love my body. I'm fat. Have an ugly shape. All I see are flaws. How do people learn to love themselves even when they hate what they see in the mirror?? How do you re-train your brain to see beauty that isn't there? I keep hearing "fake it til it's real" but I just can't look into the mirror and say that what I see is beautiful when it isn't.
Does anyone else find it somewhat erotic?
I screwed up so badly.
I am paranoid and insecure, and I was hurtful to him. I don't know what's worng with me, and why I am so fucking unstable. I'm just going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut.
I can't do this anymore. I can't live this way. Something has to change. I'll do anything.
Every day I fall deeper into the depression, and there is no one to pull me out this time.
I don't even understand myself. How can I loathe being around people, yet be so lonely???
It's one of those comfy nights tonight- curled up watching 'Clean House', writing stories on EP, and smelling yummy because I'm freshly showered and wearing my Victoria's Secret Pink Soft and Pure body spray.
Despite having a rough emotional rollercoaster of a day, I'm calmed and feeling a lot better now. (Hearing from a certain someone definitely helped with that!)
Now all I need is for my craving for a Butterfinger to be satisfied. lmao
I just ate a delicious whole wheat wrap filled with lettuce, tomato, hickory-smoked tofurkey, alfalfa sprouts, shredded cheese, ranch dressing, and guacamole.
It was amazing.
And I had to share. lol
I adore it when my rabbits get excited and run really fast in circles around my living room, then they're all tuckered out so they sprawl on the carpet, letting their little white furry bellies show!! So cute!!
You said I should let go of your hand
Previous PostsUpdate., posted February 10th, 2015, 1 comment
Yoga, posted August 9th, 2013, 1 comment
Another Wonderful Day Thanks To Fibro, posted August 1st, 2013, 1 comment
Fibro Flare, posted July 22nd, 2013, 1 comment
Doomed?, posted June 22nd, 2013, 1 comment
Love Is Looking For You (by Miranda Lambert), posted April 8th, 2013, 1 comment
DIET, posted December 21st, 2012
Feelin Pretty Blah Tonight, posted November 15th, 2012
You Know What?, posted February 15th, 2011, 4 comments
******* Amazing, posted February 12th, 2011, 3 comments
Today, posted February 10th, 2011, 1 comment
Bleh, another body rant., posted February 8th, 2011, 3 comments
Rococo Tulip, posted January 21st, 2011, 1 comment
Rough Day, posted January 21st, 2011
Ugh., posted January 7th, 2011, 3 comments
Lonely, posted January 4th, 2011, 4 comments
Craving!!, posted December 17th, 2010
Tofurkey Wrap, posted April 5th, 2010, 1 comment
Silly Rabbits, posted March 12th, 2010
Ant In Alaska, posted December 1st, 2009, 1 comment
The Butterfly Effect, posted November 1st, 2009, 1 comment
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